It's a good thing that this blog isn't my job, because I'm pretty sure I'd be fired. Taking an unannounced two month vacation is probably not okay in real professions (unless you're Joaquin Phoenix in which case you can do fuck all for three years, get fat, smoke pot, and rap, and still be as famous as when Gladiator came out). I however have that luxury because I do have a real job, and unlike this blog, it pays my bills. I have to say though that I certainly didn't expect people to miss the blog as much as they did. My five fans asked me several times during the writing hiatus when the blog would be back and who my next target was.
Well, I'm back.
And Justin Bieber.
I heard my first Justin Bieber song on the radio in Cairo this past weekend. Oddly enough the radio station that played Justin Bieber also played (in this order) Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, Bullet For My Valentine, some generic metal shit I didn't recognize, and then Justin Bieber. It's like they had met their awesomeness quota for the day and decided "oh hell, who are we kidding, we're a radio station let's just play utter shit like everyone else." Radio stations don't even play metal in America anymore, so I was surprised to hear good metal on the radio in a country where kids are jailed for wearing Black Sabbath shirts (admittedly they were part of a gang, but arrested because of the shirts nonetheless).
My reaction to hearing his hit song "Baby" was kind of the same as when I last checked my bank account or when you go trick or treating at your really stingy neighbor's house: "That's it??"
Really? That's what all the fuss is about? With all the hype out there I was expecting someone who possessed a mix of Justin Timberlake's coolness and stage presence with Pavaroti's vocal prowess and a 12 inch cock that plays Van Halen solos. Instead what i heard was a little boy with a voice thinner than most lesbians singing songs that sound like Lance Bass covers of Marvin Gaye. I mean don't get me wrong the kid can sing. If there was a talent show on your block, and Justin Bieber performed, he would probably score highly, and in fact he might win. He probably plays Rock Band and does the vocals on Expert. But the fact is that he's just not
that good.
Why do people like him so much? I can't understand it. I just read recently that 3% of ALL OF TWITTER is Justin Bieber traffic (and that's just traffic to/from his account, not all Bieber related traffic). That's ridiculous. It just goes to show that with a little marketing, anyone can like anything these days. Even a 16 year-old kind-of-boy-kind-of-girl looking thing from Canada that goes by "the Bieb." Some record executive saw a video of JB on Youtube, decided this kid was going to make it, and made the kid make it. After all that's all it takes. Now, people want to know what his musical influences are, who his favorite painters are, what type of pizza he likes or if he likes pizza at all, and if his farts smell like rainbows and unicorns. Does Justin Bieber think Kim Kardashian is hot? If a tree falls on Justin Bieber in the forest, how many teenage girls would it take to break the fall of the tree so that Justin Bieber could sing "Baby" to them as they both suffocated and bled to death? I don't know, but these are all really dumb questions we're asking about a kid who's got no more talent than anyone who's been further than the initial qualifying round on American Idol (or maybe just
that guy who goes the Karaoke place every time you're there and embarrasses everyone with how good he is).
It may be just because I'm out of practice, but I can't really hate on Justin Bieber. I can just be annoyed that he is so successful for no reason. After all, he was just minding his own business in Canada when someone called him up and told him he was going to be a star. Shit... I'd do it if I was offered a chance. I'm just confused as to why people with free will over the type of music they choose to listen to would choose to listen to Justin Bieber. There is much better music out there, even for the 15-16 year-old girl crowd... I for one would much rather listen to Taylor Swift.
And I'm even more confused as to why girls are so crazy about him. Maybe the trick to attracting chicks is to look like a chick? (note to self, my mascara needs work). Oh wait, no I forgot... it's money.
-Mo out.
Ah it feels good to say that again.
PS:
Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber.
