Friday, August 6, 2010

I hate, part 2

I really hate the world blog. It's shot for web log, fine, but that doesn't make it a pleasant word to hear. Just the sound of the word is reminiscent of someone puking after eating some bad Indian food. It also makes me think of like some giant type of sewer monster who lives in the sewers and feeds on garbage and human waste. Then one day he's had enough and he starts terrorizing the citizens on the surface while they all run away yelling "Run for your lives! The Blog is coming!"

Even more than the word blog though, I hate people who hate things but don't present alternatives or explanations, so I am now making alternatives/explanations a requirement for hating. Please note that people who hate Steve Jobs, famous for being famous, or Nickelback are exempt from this requirement. If I have to explain to you why I hate any of these things, I will personally voyage to your home and beat you over the head with an iPhone and a Nickelback record while forcing you to watch reruns of Keeping up with the Kardashians. Got it?

Shortly after releasing my last "I hate" rant I instantly thought of much better things that I hate, as is usually the case with these things. Here are a few more things that I hate, in no particular order:

- I hate when food manufacturers pick odd units to show the calorie count of food in, like when you buy a cereal bowl which is intended as a single breakfast but then you look closely at the calorie count and it's for "2/3 of bowl" or when it says something like 2 calories per 1/16th of a Fig Newton... God, Kellogg, I didn't bring my TI-83 today give me a break.

- I hate when I meet someone and they ask me where I'm from, and I tell them my parents are from Egypt and they say "wow, my friend's mother is half Lebanese." The correct answer in this situation is "wow." Either that or "..."

- I hate hipsters who talk shit about other hipsters. Seriously? It's like: "I was the first guy to wear new vintage clothes, ride a fixed gear bicycle, and listen to shitty music on purpose just to be different. Those guys are just posers..."

- Also, I hate non-hipsters who make a habit of unnecessarily hating on hipsters just to be cool, because woah, that's more ironic than Mars.

- I hate when you see a movie that you really liked that was based on a book you didn't read, and then some asshole who read it tells you the book was much better and starts explaining all the things that were in the book that weren't in the movie. I don't like to read, I have A.D.D, leave me alone!

- I hate when they change the voice actors for cartoons and you notice. It makes me sit there thinking "hey this isn't the Vegeta that I know..."

- I hate it when someone goes through a door ahead of you and holds it open for you but you're still really far away, so you have to either start jogging to get to the door or take an uncomfortably long time to walk while they stare at you. It's like "gee, thanks, asshole."

- I hate people who think Yngwie Malmsteen is a musician. This man plays guitar like it's a sport and talks shit about Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck. Please, if I want to see people play classical music insanely fast on electric guitar, I'll just watch that Asian guy on Youtube who plays two guitars at once. Yngwie should be forced to change his name to something that has more vowels, then beaten to death with his own guitar and then subsequently forced to listen to "arpeggios... from hell!" on repeat, in hell. All while some Asian guy air guitars in front of him. In slow motion. Wearing a wig.

- I hate movie sequels where all the characters are the same but one character is played by a different actor and they make no effort to explain why this person is a different person all of a sudden. Continuity please? That's like if I showed up at work on Monday and my boss was a different man but had the same name and job function.

- I hate people who call bands sell-outs as soon as they achieve popularity. Go back to your basement and listen to your mixed tapes of underground indie bands who are, apparently, so good that regular people can't even comprehend how good they are.

- I hate guys who complain about the controller when I beat them at video games. Last time someone did that I actually swapped controllers with the dude and beat him by an even wider margin. He then threw his controller at a wall in anger and it actually broke. Don't bring that weak shit.

- I hate when people use "that's what she said" when it's totally not appropriate/relevant because then I force myself to think of a scenario where that would have applied (and it's usually gross). Most recently this happened I was telling my friend to take the spoon out of a big bowl of guac before covering it and putting it in the fridge:

"Take the spoon out of it first!"
"That's what she said!"
"What does that even mean? ....... oh gross!!!"

Part 3 may be coming soon depending on how much this week continues to piss me off. We'll see!

-Mo out.

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