I hate, part 2

I really hate the world blog. It's shot for web log, fine, but that doesn't make it a pleasant word to hear. Just the sound of the word is reminiscent of someone puking after eating some bad Indian food. It also makes me think of like some giant type of sewer monster who lives in the sewers and feeds on garbage and human waste. Then one day he's had enough and he starts terrorizing the citizens on the surface while they all run away yelling "Run for your lives! The Blog is coming!"

Even more than the word blog though, I hate people who hate things but don't present alternatives or explanations, so I am now making alternatives/explanations a requirement for hating. Please note that people who hate Steve Jobs, famous for being famous, or Nickelback are exempt from this requirement. If I have to explain to you why I hate any of these things, I will personally voyage to your home and beat you over the head with an iPhone and a Nickelback record while forcing you to watch reruns of Keeping up with the Kardashians. Got it?

Shortly after releasing my last "I hate" rant I instantly thought of much better things that I hate, as is usually the case with these things. Here are a few more things that I hate, in no particular order:

- I hate when food manufacturers pick odd units to show the calorie count of food in, like when you buy a cereal bowl which is intended as a single breakfast but then you look closely at the calorie count and it's for "2/3 of bowl" or when it says something like 2 calories per 1/16th of a Fig Newton... God, Kellogg, I didn't bring my TI-83 today give me a break.

- I hate when I meet someone and they ask me where I'm from, and I tell them my parents are from Egypt and they say "wow, my friend's mother is half Lebanese." The correct answer in this situation is "wow." Either that or "..."

- I hate hipsters who talk shit about other hipsters. Seriously? It's like: "I was the first guy to wear new vintage clothes, ride a fixed gear bicycle, and listen to shitty music on purpose just to be different. Those guys are just posers..."

- Also, I hate non-hipsters who make a habit of unnecessarily hating on hipsters just to be cool, because woah, that's more ironic than Mars.

- I hate when you see a movie that you really liked that was based on a book you didn't read, and then some asshole who read it tells you the book was much better and starts explaining all the things that were in the book that weren't in the movie. I don't like to read, I have A.D.D, leave me alone!

- I hate when they change the voice actors for cartoons and you notice. It makes me sit there thinking "hey this isn't the Vegeta that I know..."

- I hate it when someone goes through a door ahead of you and holds it open for you but you're still really far away, so you have to either start jogging to get to the door or take an uncomfortably long time to walk while they stare at you. It's like "gee, thanks, asshole."

- I hate people who think Yngwie Malmsteen is a musician. This man plays guitar like it's a sport and talks shit about Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck. Please, if I want to see people play classical music insanely fast on electric guitar, I'll just watch that Asian guy on Youtube who plays two guitars at once. Yngwie should be forced to change his name to something that has more vowels, then beaten to death with his own guitar and then subsequently forced to listen to "arpeggios... from hell!" on repeat, in hell. All while some Asian guy air guitars in front of him. In slow motion. Wearing a wig.

- I hate movie sequels where all the characters are the same but one character is played by a different actor and they make no effort to explain why this person is a different person all of a sudden. Continuity please? That's like if I showed up at work on Monday and my boss was a different man but had the same name and job function.

- I hate people who call bands sell-outs as soon as they achieve popularity. Go back to your basement and listen to your mixed tapes of underground indie bands who are, apparently, so good that regular people can't even comprehend how good they are.

- I hate guys who complain about the controller when I beat them at video games. Last time someone did that I actually swapped controllers with the dude and beat him by an even wider margin. He then threw his controller at a wall in anger and it actually broke. Don't bring that weak shit.

- I hate when people use "that's what she said" when it's totally not appropriate/relevant because then I force myself to think of a scenario where that would have applied (and it's usually gross). Most recently this happened I was telling my friend to take the spoon out of a big bowl of guac before covering it and putting it in the fridge:

"Take the spoon out of it first!"
"That's what she said!"
"What does that even mean? ....... oh gross!!!"

Part 3 may be coming soon depending on how much this week continues to piss me off. We'll see!

-Mo out.

About this mosque stuff

I've been avoiding this topic for a while because I keep hoping that it will go away, but now that everyone including Sarah Palin has something to say about it I kind of feel a responsibility to comment. Besides, given my... "cultural background" and the fact that I live in New York, it's actually quite a relevant subject.

So to bring everyone up to speed, there is a building two blocks north of Ground Zero (World Trade Center site) here in New York that some people want to make into an Islamic community center, and that plan is drawing cries of "too soon" and "too close" from critics. They're saying that the site is a "war memorial" and that a mosque in that location would be a slap in the face of those who died on September 11th. Others like Sarah Palin are calling it insensitive. There was actually quite a bit of controversy, so much that there was actually a meeting held where many New Yorkers showed up to express their views on the subject.

Now some facts. Before everyone starts talking about how inappropriate it is to build a mosque there, let me just make this clear - the building already serves as a mosque. Nearly 400 people gather there every Friday for prayer services (Friday for Muslims is like Sunday for Christians, it's the main mosque-going day, although you can also go on other days). So the current plan is not to create a mosque where there isn't one. Rather, the plan is to build a community center that seeks to do a few things:

- Expand the mosque to cater to more people
- Build better relationships with local non-Muslims
- Promote better understanding of Islam

Now to discuss the controversy itself.

Do I think it is appropriate to have a mosque near Ground Zero? I think it's completely inappropriate to even ask that question. Because doing so implies that the terrorist attacks were an act committed by the entire religion of Islam against America, and vilifies all Muslims collectively. There seems to be a perception that Muslims are a group of a few thousand people who live in Saudi Arabia in tents, beat their women, and eat falafel while dreaming up plans to bomb America and hating freedom at the same time. People seem to forget that all 1.5 billion Muslims who live on this planet are not fanatics and that Islam is the world's second largest religion by population.

Just to get an idea of how ridiculous this is, imagine if a group of Christian fanatics had blown up.. say... the Federal Building in Oklahoma City. Do you think that anyone would have argued for a ban on churches near the bomb site?

The answer, clearly, is no. We would have labeled those people as "INSANE" rather than "Christian." What makes it so easy to blame Islam as a whole is that they are a minority in this country and that as Americans, we do not know enough about minorities to make proper judgments.

Like all religious fanatics, Muslim fanatics claim that they do what they do in the name of God and religion. But again, like all fanatics, the "religion" that they live by is a grossly skewed and distorted version of the Islam that the other 1.4999 billion people follow. For example, PROPER Islam actually teaches that Christians and Jews should not be persecuted for their beliefs. This is fact. It is explicitly stated. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Rather than defending Islam in a long post though, because that's not what I want to do here, I'm just going to use this as an opportunity to point out how quick to judge people can be. How many of the people that use the word Jihad on a daily basis even know what the word really means (the answer is not "holy war")? How many people actually know the building in question is already a mosque? People hear the words Islam and mosque in the same sentence as Ground Zero and they immediately start behaving like uneducated bigots. I'm not even joking, I heard someone say that "America won't stand for this, we won't submit to Islamification like in Europe." What the fuck does that even mean????

Let's think back to our proudest moment as a country... you know, when after Pearl Harbor we rounded up all the Japanese Americans (and even some Chinese and Koreans) and threw them into concentration camps. What did we learn from that? If anything, it's that as Americans we are not going to collectively punish people for the sins of others.

It's normal to fear what we don't understand. In the case of this mosque, we are denying people who are American citizens their constitutional right to freedom of religion because of clear and simple Islamophobia.

I'm not quite done, but I'll end it here and open the topic up for discussion. This is the kind of subject that is best discussed, not ranted about.

Mo out.

My very own I hate rant

I've seen these types of videos all over the internet about people just listing things they hate. Considering that I hate a ton of things and I that I love ranting, it's surprising that I don't have a video up myself yet.

Fear not. Here is a blog post dedicated to things I hate. These are just the ones that I can think of now, and there will probably be a few more later when I think of the rest. I know it's not a video but I'm kind of camera shy.

Here. We. Go.!

- I hate it when you pre-order something because you really want to get it the first day but then they don't actually ship it until the release date so you end up getting it after everyone else anyway. That shit should arrive at your door on release day. Now I just feel like I should have gone to a store and bought it. I've been waiting 11 years for StarCraft II, I think a pre-order should have the decency to arrive on release day. It's not like I'm rushing them or anything...

- I hate it when you make pasta and you want to strain it but you don't have a strainer so you use a plate or something to slowly let the water out and then everything gets really hot and you feel like you're going to spill all the pasta into your sink. That sucks.

- I hate this guy. He is like a walking cliché of what uneducated redneck Americans are like.

- I hate the expression  "I could care less" because what you really mean is "I couldn't care less."

- I hate people who say "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." They're not spiritual, they're pretentious.

- I hate when you order starters at a restaurant and they bring them at the same time as the food. I hate it even more when they ask you when you would like them to bring the starters. "Yes, I would like the starters as I'm walking out of the restaurant please."

- I hate investment bankers. While the profession itself is very necessary, it has the ability to bring out all the worst traits in people. Take a bunch of guys in their 20s who get paid craploads of money to be locked up in an office 20+ miserable hours a day constantly trying to act suave and get people to buy into deals. Now unleash them onto the public in their 1 hour of free time. The result is almost always a giant douchefest.

- I hate when rappers thank God at award ceremonies. It's like they don't know that God also saw them dealing smack and beating hookers.

- I hate Steve Jobs.

- I hate people who act like David Guetta songs are the most amazing things ever. They're fun and danceable yes. But like Deadmau5 said, "anyone can just play two songs at the same time." Besides, all he does is take hits from the 90s (aka songs that we know people already like) and add techno beats to them.

- I hate that Thursday night is the new Friday night because the whole point of going on Friday is that you don't have to work the next day. Going out Thursday is just like saying "let's see how tired, miserable, and unproductive I can be at work tomorrow!" Plus most of the time I go out Thursday I am so tired Friday afternoon that I stay in. Fail.

- I hate when girls tell you that you should just be friends. Because most of the time this happens you already are friends, and if they hadn't said anything, that's probably what would have happened anyway. Instead, it makes you feel like you weren't even friends to begin with. Lame.

- I hate famous for being famous.

- I hate that Barrack Obama didn't have a good president before him so that people could realize how incompetent he is.

- I hate Gambit. He is a terrible X-Man.

- I hate when people reply to your negative comments on Youtube videos saying "if you don't like [XYZ] then why would you comment on it??" The answer to that question is "because I want people to know that I don't like [XYZ]..." It's very simple, really.

- I hate it when Asian people talk a lot of shit about how they're going to kick my ass in Super Smash Brothers before they've ever played me, because I've never actually been beaten by an Asian at SSB (this is fact). Have they ever seen White Men Can't Jump?

- I hate bathroom attendants! What on earth is the purpose of these people? I've been going to the bathroom and subsequently washing my hands since I was an infant.. do I really need someone to do it for me? It's not even luxurious or anything. It's not like if you came out of a pool and a hot Swedish model was there to dry you off. It's usually some creepy guy who puts soap in your hands and dries them for you. Ewww... And the worst part is when the bathroom is really really tiny yet you still have to squeeze in there with a bathroom attendant who's basically just standing there watching you take a piss so he knows when to turn the water on for you. Is this really necessary? Everyone hates them. They cost the bar money. Nobody tips them. Why do they exist?

And finally...

- I HATE Nickelback.

Mo out.

THANK YOU Mahmoud Ahmedinejad for finally not being a crazy bastard, and a few words on our foreign policy

Let's all take a moment to celebrate. This is epic.

So Ahmedinejad wants to talk. What's so great about this round of talks? Well, for once he is not being a complete lunatic. We've all heard the stories of how Iran isn't going to stop its nuclear program, and how it's going to rain fire down on the Western world etc. It takes a pretty creative imagination to come up with these speeches, but an even more creative imagination to believe that Iran would actually follow through with plans to attack the United States. I've always thought Ahmedinejad, was crazy, but I never thought he was dumb. Attacking the US, especially with nuclear missiles, would be suicide for any country. Also, I highly doubt that under such intense international scrutiny, Iran would supply nuclear missiles to terrorists. After all, we invaded their next door neighbor just because we suspected they had some sort of big guns... and Iran knows that.

No, what makes me happy is that for once, the double standard held against "countries that we don't like" is being questioned. If Iran is not allowed to have nuclear weapons (OR even nuclear power plants, which is what they say they want), and must allow inspectors to come in and look through their facilities, and must sign agreements promising to do X, Y, and Z... then why is it that Israel can have nuclear warheads pointed at every single one of its neighbors. After all, when you think of the one country in the region that on a regular basis uses excessive force in dealing with conflicts, only one country comes to mind.

But let's not even question Israel's "right to nukes" because probably they need them more than anyone else in the region (this is what happens when you piss off all your neighbors). Can we instead focus on the fact that Israel has not signed the same nuclear nonproliferation agreements that we are trying to force on Iran? Can we focus on the fact that they have nukes and won't even acknowledge they do... Their public statements on the matter amount to "umm, well, we can't say we don't, but can't say we do either" which frankly, stopped being convincing a long time ago.

This flagrant double standard is completely unacceptable. In the arena of international politics, there are no bad guys and good guys. Sure, we the United States are friends with Israel and don't see them as a threat. But when dealing with other countries, that is not an assumption that we can make for them. Not every country is friends with Israel. Take Iran's point of view for just a second:

- Their next door neighbor was invaded and its leader executed on the basis of "we thought they might be bad" (granted we knew their leader was bad, but that still doesn't give us the right to invade a sovereign nation).

- Their arch nemesis (Israel) has the capability to, with the push of  a button, wipe them off the face of the planet (and they have no ability to retaliate at all).

Is it fair to assume now that Iran would want something to defend itself with? Do you think that Iran is reassured one bit when we tell them they have nothing to fear because we are the good guys? Even if they're not after nuclear missiles... isn't it wholly unfair that Israel can have hundreds (or possibly thousands) of nuclear missiles but that Iran can't even build a power plant? Do we really want a foreign policy classifies half the world as second class citizens?

Break ----------------------------

I think this is a good time to reflect on our foreign policy. It's easy to see how our attitude towards other countries (we are good, you are bad) can anger them. And while we have the safety of knowing we can get away with angering countries, because nobody in their right mind would go to war with us, it is a BAD strategy. You know why? Because:

- It makes us a world bully, the country who pins other countries against their lockers and takes their lunch money

- It promotes extremism in "bad" countries by constantly fueling the anti-American fire

And finally,

- While no country in their right mind would go to war with us, plenty of terrorists who are NOT in their right mind can attack us, knowing very well that we don't have the capability to retaliate against them. If Saudi terrorists bomb New York City, we can not retaliate by bombing Saudi Arabia.

I am by no means advocating that we end our alliances with Israel or any other countries and become friends with everyone. Instead, I am suggesting that US foreign policy needs to take an approach that respects other countries as sovereign nations with their own agendas. We cannot only address our security needs and ignore those of other countries. In order to have peace, everyone must feel secure. Part of that is to have international standards that ALL countries agree to... and when someone doesn't play by the rules (Israel, Iran) they face the SAME consequences.

Break ----------------------------

So back to Iran. I'm really curious to see how the international community responds to Ahmedinejad's statements. And as crazy as I think the man is, I think that by raising the issue of Israel's nuclear weapons, he is making significant progress in the resolution of this conflict - he is addressing his country's right to nuclear energy/national security while at the same time showing the world that he is ready to do so in a peaceful way.

We would so kick Iran's ass in a fight though... it's not even funny.

Mo out.

An update from your favorite blogger

If I am the blogger, does that make you guys the bloggees? I think that would mean that I am blogging about you, not to you. Anyhow...

Hi, and welcome to the latest edition of "an update from your favorite blogger." Every now and then, I decide that everyone who follows my blog would really enjoy it if I filled them in on a bunch of things that concern me (even though they'd probably just rather hear me rant about politics or the economy). The topics du jour are:

1) Avenged Sevenfold's new album really sucks. There are maybe 2-3 just okay songs on it. The whole album just lacks any sort of definition or groove... all the songs sound pretty much the same and don't stand out in any way. The weird thing is I don't understand why it's so bad. It's not like all of a sudden they "sold out." A7X has been pretty poppy since City of Evil came out, and even before that, some songs like Unholy Confessions and Second Heartbeat from Waking the Fallen had elements of pop-punk in them. Some might blame the album's quality (or lackthereof) on the death of their drummer, The Rev, but he actually wrote about 60% of the material for the album before his death, and his parts were recorded by the very competent Mike Portnoy.

Now that I think of it, I think Avenged Sevenfold are a victim of their own success in that they tried to much on this album to replicate the things that people liked about their old records. The guitarwork on this album is technically excellent, as always, but it's not good. The dueling lead guitars overshadow both the rythm guitar track and the bass guitar to the point where every song is like a pair of Yngwie Malmsteens stroking each other. There is hardly a memorable riff played above the 12th fret. The drumwork is mind blowingly complex, fast, and accurate, but it's not good either. One of the things I liked about The Rev (which I described in a previous post) is that he didn't just play fast and complicated stuff all the time but instead played beats that were perfectly appropriate. I'm not sure to what extent the drum parts were written before Mike Portnoy came in, so I certainly don't want to discredit The Rev, but a lot of the drumwork on this album focuses on the fast double bass beats and tom fills that are usually associated with cliché metal.

Let's hope they find their groove again for the next record and can put out something that stands up proudly next to their older stuff.

2) Speaking of music, I am back to work on my own. After a period of being very very very distracted by everything from video games, to girls, to work, to girls again, I've decided that I'm just going to put everything on hold (except work of course) and get this EP done. While I resolve my Pro Tools iLok situation (I am ordering a new one because I seem to have lost mine IN MY OWN APARTMENT) I've been seriously practicing the drums... not just dicking around but actually practicing songs with a metronome and shit. First on the list when my new iLok gets in is a new song I wrote in a rather interesting way...

I came up with the chorus while screwing around with my loop station. It's nothing special, just some backing chords with an octave bit played over it, similar to What It Is To Burn by Finch. It is pretty catchy though. The intro/verse/pre-chorus parts I actually came up with while playing the drums. So I came up with these cool beats that I like and then wrote guitar parts for them. The end result is a very heavy drum based song with a big open chorus. I like it, and I think you will too.

3) StarCraft II will be arriving at my door very very soon. This is epic. I'm not quite sure how the best way to explain this to people is. Think of like, the best thing that you've ever experienced in your entire life. Now imagine they announce a sequel. Every year, it keeps getting delayed and delayed until it seems like they're never going to make it. 11 years later, the sequel finally comes out, and it's even better than the original. The wait has been epic. The game is epic. The story is an epic of epic epicness...

...a won't be able to play it. Because if you read #2 you will know that I have committed to finishing this stupid record, even if it means not playing StarCraft II for the first month after its release. But I mean, what's a month when I've been waiting 11 years? I have all the way to 2021 until StarCraft III comes out...

4) Reading webcomics really makes me want to start my own webcomic. Although highly unlikely because of how busy I'm going to be playing StarCraft II instead of recording my music, if I did have a comic, I'm not sure what it would be about. I'm pretty sure it would be funny in one way or another though.

If you have any cool comic suggestions, feel free to send them in.

Mo out.

Came across this treasure in a Facebook related discussion thread

"Facebook is pretty much only useful as a place to spy on your ex or get random hookups from girls you knew 5 years ago.

I will bet you anything that the average occurrence of reconnecting with some hot chick you used to have a crush on in high school but didn't talk to much, and then meeting up at a bar and getting wasted together and you bang the bejeezus out of her, then not talking again for like a month and it never goes anywhere, has increased by like 15,000% since the launch of Facebook."

Give that man a cigar.

Mo out.

A Sandwich in a Can. Why? ...Because they Can!

First of all, I would like to apologize for the worst pun ever since Sex and the City (not that I watched or liked that show, it's just that like every other guy who's seen it, I was flipping through the channels and saw boobs and then stopped flipping only to later realize I was watching Sex and the City). It was a very terrible pun, I know, but somehow, it seemed very appropriate as the first line of a blog post about a sandwich that comes in a can. If you're not aware of what the cleverly named Candwich is, then check it out here.

You know it's going to be good when their tag line is "new & innovative sandwich product for grab-and-go convenience." Mmmmm.... I'm having sandwich product for lunch today. That sounds appetizing as hell doesn't it? I think it would go very well with some tasty juice product and a bag of potato chips product. I think it's time that companies stopped using that clever trick of adding the word "product" to the end of descriptions of fake versions of real foods; it just sounds so gross. They should take a hint from the beef jerkey people, who (in a move I endorse) refrained from naming their product "dried and artificially flavored beef meat product."

By the way, I am trying to delay addressing the elephant in the room for a good reason: if i immediately attacked the fact that it's a sandwich that comes in a can, this blog post would be over by now. The fact of the matter is that I am not here to give a professional review or recommendation of this canned sandwich product, nor are you here because you are curious about its culinary merits. This is supposed to be fun! Let's milk the ridiculousness of this product for all it's worth.

Alright. Let's talk about the flavor selection. Currently the Candwich is not available (because they haven't been released yet) in "PB&J Grape" "PB&J Strawberry", and "BBQ Chicken." Hold on just one minute... one of these things is not like the others. The two PB&J flavors seem sensible enough. If you're a first time buyer of a sandwich that comes in a can, they seem like the two flavors that are least likely to make you go "I would never eat X from a can... this is gross." That's BBQ Chicken's job. In fact, if I could think of the one thing that I would specifically NOT eat from a can (let alone a can that also has bread and a toffee in it), it would be some sort of grilled meat. Seems like someone got a little ambitious... it's like one of the... engineers (or whatever you call people who design fake food) over at Mark One Foods was madly scribbling formulas on a piece of paper while saying (with a mad scientist voice):

 "AHA! We will make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches... yes! And they will be strawberry and grape! And we'll also make barbecue chicken sandwiches! And then chicken parm heroes, and then once we've built our empire of fake canned sandwiches we can expand into canned breakfast and canned dinner! A Thanksgiving turkey dinner for four in a can! Filet mignon in a can! MUAHHAHAHA the world is MINE!!!!"

...while the rest of his coworkers grabbed both his legs and tried to pull him away from the drawing board yelling "that's crazy talk Jimmy! You're going to get yourself killed like this! We'll do BBQ Chicken but you have to promise to stop there!! It's for your own good!!"

And then they finally drew the line at BBQ chicken and called it a day.

Also, who was the brilliant artist who came up with the pictures on the cans? The PB&J sanwiches look decent enough (despite being in a hot dog bun), but the BBQ chicken sandwich looks like someone sliced a hot dog bun in half vertically then hollowed it out and filled it with sloppy joe meant for poor third world cats. If you're going to market a grilled chicken sandwich that comes served on a hot dog bun and is packaged in a can, at least try to make it look like it's not a grilled chicken sandwich that comes served on a hot dog bun and is packaged in a can.

Next, let's make fun of the target market. The website states that "Candwich is the perfect product for people on the go such as students, construction workers, soccer moms, and outdoor enthusiasts." We've already established that I'd rather eat a dead pelican found in the BP oil spill than the BBQ Chicken flavor sandwich, so I'm going to pretend it doesn't exist. Peanut butter and jelly seems like a sensible product to be marketed to students. Construction workers though? I like to imagine a bunch of construction workers from Brooklyn eating ridiculously large pastrami sandwiches while sitting in very dangerous locations. Now imagine Joe the construction worker opening his lunch box and taking out a pink or purple can (take your pick) and extracting from it a PB&J the size of a hot dog bun. Imagine him trying to act normal while all the other workers give him weird looks. "Whattttt....I was on-the-go guys... I needed something light..." I just laughed out loud a little bit (in my mind that construction worker also has a lisp). Also, I have to question their definition of "on-the-go" because when I think of construction workers and the things they build, they are usually not going anywhere. Unless they're Italian and they're performing renovations on the Leaning Tower of Pizza (yes that was intentional) in which case they might be on-the-go. I'm sorry if that joke was lame. My first pick was to say "unless they're from New Orleans, where everything is on the go" but then I realized that's a sore subject.

Oh come on!

Next, soccer moms. Calling someone a soccer mom is pretty much an insult nowadays. I have no idea how that slipped past their marketing department, but I imagine next they will sell brooms that are "perfect for housewives and Mexican cleaning ladies!" No soccer mom would buy this product simply out of their own fear of falling into the cliché of a mother who drives around in a minivan taking her kids to soccer practice so often that it becomes the only activity she does. And even if you were okay with that... it is an established fact that soccer moms' diets consist of chocolate chip cookies from Stop and Shop, Munchkins from Dunkin Donuts, and Gatorade.

Next, outdoor enthusiasts. Right. Because when I think of people who love the outdoors and nature I think "Gee, we can sell them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that come in a can! Yeah, they're the perfect market for this!"

I'm also going to make fun of that little line on the website that says "easy store display - does not require refrigeration" by pointing out that none of the ingredients of the sandwich product (bread product, peanut butter product, and jelly product) require refrigeration either.

Okay. Now I'm going to make fun of the fact that it comes in a can. Are you ready??????

LOL IT COMES IN A CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it's a sandwich product... that comes in a can. I guess the whole point is that you're supposed to be able to quickly eat it anytime you want, right? Simply whip out your can of sandwich and eat! "Quick and tasty, ready to eat" the website says. But there is a catch...

IT IS NOT QUICK AND TASTY, AND IT IS NOT READY TO EAT!!!!

Because once you open the can, and magically extract the plastic wrapped hot dog bun from the can, you will find that there is in fact no peanut butter OR jelly in it. Instead you will find two small plastic packets: one that contains a tiny amount of peanut butter, and one that contains a tiny amount of jelly.

THIS IS NOT A SANDWICH. THIS IS GROCERIES.

So now that you've finally been convinced to buy this ridiculous product (a sandwich product that comes in a fucking can) and you've put aside the fact that it may be gross and full of preservatives, and that your coworkers may laugh at you, you still have to sit down and make it yourself. Not cool. That's like if you went to buy a bag of potato chips, and you opened it to find one potatoe, a knife and a small kettle. I have no idea and do not want to know what the assembly instructions are for the BBQ Chicken Candwich.

What are you thinking Candwich? You're like the young underprivilleged urban child who shows talent from a very early age, is tutored by a supportive teacher, wins a scolarship from a prestigious university and has the chance to turn his life around, and then says fuck it all then decides to deal drugs instead. You've just turned the whole world upside down, defeated the odds, and convinced an otherwise reasonably sane person to buy a fucking sandwich that comes out of a fucking can... at least package something that's readily edible.

Instead of creating a weird product that some passers by may just buy once if their kids whine about it enough (which I assume is the most that this company could be going for), Mark One Foods has produced Candwich... a sandwich product whose Achilles' Heel is also it's only gimmick.

I have run out of things to say. And ironically all this talk of Candwich has made me hungry.

Mo out.