Thursday, June 17, 2010

More world cup - the ball, the vuvuzelas, oh the craziness of it all!

I love the World Cup. I absolutely do. It's so entertaining to watch and there are so many things to talk about and make fun of like:


Oh my god please, pleeeeeeaaaase make it stop! I can't even imagine how it must feel to be sitting IN the stadium when at home/work the sound of those trumpets makes me want to jam an electric Phillips head screwdriver into both my ears until my brain goes numb and my soul floats towards Nirvana. The sound is like a combination of a New York City traffic jam with Bangladeshi taxi drivers playing folk songs on their car horns and a massive swarm of giant killer bees fast approaching. While I respect every nation's right to celebrate in its own way, the vuvuzela has got to be the worst sound I've ever heard in my entire life (and yes, that includes U2). Why the constant droning sound of the native African fart bagpipe is at all enjoyable I have not a single clue. Therefore, I motion to ban the damn things. AND THERE IS PRECEDENT FOR THIS!!! They banned bagpipes when Scotland started irritating the shit out of people with them - which seems perfectly fair to me. That sound is enough to make anyone go William Wallace on the piper! If this keeps up, next world cup I'm brining my harmonica and accordion.

The Jabulani (that would be the ball for those of you who haven't been following):

It is a known fact that soccer players bitch about everything imaginable. It is also a known fact that every single World Cup they come out with some sort of new and improved ball and the players bitch about it. So why is this year special? Perhaps because the tournament is being played in South Africa where most of the stadiums are at a rather high elevation, where the air is thinner and therefore the ball travels 5% faster (and "less predictably" which I think is bullshit). I think the biggest counter to all this ball nonsense is the fact that some people don't seem to have a problem with it AT ALL. Ask Germany (4-0 vs Australia) or Argentina (4-1 vs South Korea). Then look at shots from guys like Cristiano Ronaldo and Xabi Alondo who both nearly scored from 20+ yards out. It seems that FIFA's claim is correct - all the Jabulani does is separate good players from very good players. It's a little harder to handle but in the right feet (or hands in Chile's case) it will respond truthfully.

Rob Green

Lol, Rob Green.


The Spanish side played very well and held the ball ~75% of the time but unfortunately were a little sloppy on the finish, which ended up costing them the game. 25(5) shots (on goal) apparently wasn't enough. Switzerland on the other hand, held the ball for just over 25% of the game, and shot 9 times, but were able to grab a goal using a new strategy called the "our good striker distracts the goalie while our shit striker pretends to try and shoot but actually roundhouse kicks the last Spanish defender in the face to bring him down and leave us with an open net." The sneaky Ricola gobblers took a 1-0 lead on what was probably the ugliest goal in World Cup history since the goalie error by Rob Green in the England - USA match. I'm sure they will enjoy their victory over a good mountain climb and warm hot chocolate while at the same time pretending to be neutral as they accept bribes from the Germans. I'm out of Swiss stereotypes so I will move onto the next subject.

Dear Cristiano Ronaldo,

     I am writing you this letter to inform you of a growing feeling among the football loving community that you are a "bitch." While we recognize that you are far more talented than many who have played the game before you, and who will after you, we feel the need to point out that never in the history of football has any one player bitched as much about anything as you have. While it is unfortunate that your shot against Ivory Coast, amazing as it was, didn't go in, let us remind you that many shots don't go in. Not just plebeian efforts by rising MLS stars (whatever that means) - shots by fine players such as Messi, Rooney, Kaka, Iniesta, and Torres have all failed to score goals.

Therefore, we urge you to refrain from further bitching until there is something actually worth bitching about.


     -Mo and the Worldwide Football Community

Now let's see how many Ronaldo jokes I can come up with on the spot:

-Cristiano Ronaldo goes down faster than a hooker with a late mortgage payment

-Cristiano Ronaldo's diving prowess is rivaled only by the legendary Jacques Cousteau

Two's not bad...

Team USA is fucked

We will most likely finish second in our group and exit to face Germany. And unlike the two World Wars, this will not end well for us. In fact, I predict that because of the two World Wars, Germany will feel especially compelled to kick our asses. If we beat Slovenia and Algeria, then I imagine England will as well, but they will score more goals along the way. If we beat one but lose or tie with the other, then we are realistically playing for 2nd place in our group. The only real way for us to grab first place would be to win both matches and for Slovenia and  England to lose one. But Slovenia can't beat England, because that would put them at the top of the group by goal differential (unless we score lots of goals, which we won't because we suck). So the only way for this to happen would be if Algeria beats England (which won't happen).

So basically we're fucked.

Rob Green

Hah, can we please just laugh again at Rob Green? Here I'll make it easy.

Mo out.

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