Now that this blog has essentially become 1) a channel through which I can publicly hate on things and 2) a way to shamelessly promote my music, I'm going to stick to what I do best... publicly hating. This guy should be a pretty easy target. On Friday, Tiger came out with a 10-12 minute speech in which he basically said "please don't take away my sponsorship money." That's about the only message that a reasonable human being could have heard.
See, this is how things work. What Tiger Woods is good at is golf. In fact, he's one of the most amazing golfers that has ever lived. Because he's so good, companies will pay him lots of money in order to associate themselves with him. It builds their brand image, and that sense of excellence transfers over a little bit. With that money comes women, naturally. It's not like there's something inherently sexy about golf, or that he's the best looking guy out there. And apparently Tiger likes women. In fact, I think it's fair to say that few people like women as much as Tiger Woods does. I'm not going to do a full report on all these women, because frankly that would take too long, and because my friends at The Hollywood Gossip already have. (By the way they are not really my friends, no offense to The Hollywood Gossip).
Have you looked at that page yet? Good. I'm now going to comment and say that 1) these are just the girls that have come out with it, there may be more 2) these weren't exactly one-night stands... he slept with some of these girls many many times and 3) Is it just me or does Tiger have extremely trashy taste in women? Let's see here:
1) Club hostess
2) Cocktail waitress
3) Club manager/promoter
4) Lingerie model
5) Waitress
6) Failed model
7) Former porn star
8) Current porn star
9) Hooker
10) Cocktail waitress
11) Random girl
Excluding the random girl (because we don't know what she does), 30% of Tiger's mistresses fuck for a living. I think it's fair to say that 1) Tiger likes sex, and 2) Tiger likes sex with many, many women... and 3) I really like numbered lists today. I'm just going to put this out there... I HIGHLY doubt that he's actually sorry. I know this may be hard to believe since he's only been cheating on his wife since before they were even married right? He also strikes me as a little... I'm going to use dumb for lack of a better word. Does he not know that we know about all the women he slept with? If it were one or two he could be sorry. If it were three or four, he could be "so sorry." Hell if it were five women he could go to rehab. At eleven plus he's looking like Ron Jeremy at a sexaholics anonymous convention.
What Tiger isn't good at, is acting. His "I'm so sorry" could almost pass for sarcasm. If that speech had been followed by Episode II: Attack of the Clones, I would have given Hayden Christensen an Oscar for his very deep and emotional performance as Anakin Skywalker. The only logical conclusion from this is that Tiger is trying to salvage his corporate relationships. To poke fun at our former president, "the vast majority of [his] [money] comes from outisde [golf]." This speech was a huge money grab. What was he thinking? "Gee if I go out there and say I'm sorry, corporations will just start handing me checks right there!"
If I were his corporate sponsors, not only would I cut off all ties with him, but I would be out there beating him over the head with a club trying to get back the money he's already gotten. Accenture was the first company to do so (well, just cut off ties, not beat him over the head). And I can see why. Here's an actual ad they had:
Yeah, definitely 0% distractions between Tiger and the hole (both on and off the field, Shazam!). Some of their other ads featured the phrase "Go on, be a Tiger." That's got to be great for their image right now... I'd also like to point out that Tiger appeared in a whopping 83% Accenture's ads, turning what might have passed as a slight PR issue into "holy shit we're really fucked!"
Tiger Woods should stick to golf. I don't want to hear about his shit anymore unless it pertains to golf. That's the only reason he's famous, and the only reason that I care to know about him for. He's a lousy actor, has pretty lousy taste in women (except for the one he chose to marry, ironically) and as we saw is pretty lousy at PR for himself. That's a lousy trifecta. I'm just gonna say it one more time now. Lousy.
As for his wife, I think that a very gorgeous, classy Scandinavian lady like herself should move on to new things. Here are 11 potential careers I recommend:
1) Club hostess
2) Cocktail waitress
3) Club manager/promoter
4) Lingerie model
5) Waitress
6) Failed model
7) Former porn star
8) Current porn star
9) Hooker
10) Cocktail waitress
11) Random girl
Mo out
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