Friday, February 26, 2010

Why Warhammer 40,000 Space Marines are so much cooler than StarCraft Space Marines

First off let me say that none of the statements made about StarCraft Space Marines are intended to in any way, shape, or form, take away from my love for the best RTS game.. neigh.. THE BEST PC GAME EVER MADE. As a testament to how awesome StarCraft is, in a world of 1080p and Blu-Ray, I would still rather play StarCraft in 640x480 than any version of Halo, Gears of War, Modern Warfare, or other generic clone shooter with a number at the end. Also, let me assert that the StarCraft Space Marine is precisely 12938.53x better than a regular marine to begin with. Quick analysis: regular marine wears a suit named a synonym of the word "tired," carries a mediocre at best rifle, and typically fights Arabs, Russians, and Africans (in the past they have fought more epic battles but in recent times war has become a big no-no so we fight on a small scale). The Space Marine wears a giant suit which is twice his size and is welded down around him because the likelihood of him dying is so high that he'll never really need to take it off, carries a giant gauss rifle the entire length of his body, and fights 3meter tall (yes, meters) psychic ninjas with lightsabers attached to each arm and who can become invisible, and 5 meter tall aliens who shoot acid spikes. Done.

So really to discuss which type of marine is cooler (earth, or space) is like trying to decide who the best half-pipe snowboarder is. The answer is really clear and usually about 6 feet higher than the competition. To discuss whether Warhammer marines are better than StarCraft marines is like trying to decide whether USA or Canada will win gold at Olympic hockey... these are obviously the top two kinds of Space Marine and none of the other contestants remotely matter. So... that said, and with incredible amounts of respect for both sides, let's begin.


StarCraft takes place in the future, somewhere between the not-so-distant future and the distant future. The Terran marines are descendants of convicts who were shipped away from earth to create a better society. So naturally, they're Australian. Constant fighting in the Korpulu sector has killed off many of them and the ones that remain have been naturally selected in a way. So I'm going to say the Starcraft space marines are pretty much the buffest average humans around.

Warhammer 40,000 takes place 40,000 years from now 38,000 years from now you idiot. The Space Marines have been established to guard The Emperium of Man and defend the Emperor of Mankind. For tens of thousands of years they have been fighting the enemies of man. The Space Marines are selected for their superhuman strength, size, and ferocity. Natural selection as well as human selection result in the finest warriors that The Emperium has to offer. Also, they are 10 feet tall.

Warhammer marines 1, StarCraft marines 0


The StarCraft marine carries a giant standard issue gauss rifle the size of his entire body. Some also have flamethrowers. Badass.

The Warhammer marine, on the other hand, carries a giant PLASMA Pistol the size of half his body... in ONE hand, and a fucking chainsaw sword in the other hand. Also used by the Warhammer space marines commanders are giant two-handed electric hammers that would make Thor's Mjollnir look like a gavel.

Warhammer marines 2, StarCraft marines 0


Terran space marines are pretty badass. That particular one smoking the cigar while he shoots up some Zerg is like the Clint Eastwood of space.

However I'm going to point out that some of the Warhammer space marines carry jetpacks. We all know jetpacks are awesome, and I would be willing to draw the line there. However... these jetpacks are used for transportation only as a secondary feature - their main purpose is to fly into the air and CRUSH THE ENEMIES OF MANKIND BY FALLING ON THEM FROM THE SKY. Also, as an additional example of their badassness, the Warhammer space marines say things like this:

"A good soldier obeys without question. A good officer commands without doubt."

"For those who seek perfection there can be no rest on this side of the grave."

"Even a man who has nothing can still offer his life."

Warhammer Marines 3, StarCraft marines 0


The Warhammer Space Marines are clearly superior here, and it shows. Think of combat effectiveness. At 50 minerals, it's fair to say that the Terran space marine is a total ripoff. 50 minerals buys you 2 zerglins, which own a marine. Also 50 minerals buys you a used Zealot on eBay who will also own a marine. Even when you scale up - 3 marines at 150 minerals will struggle to take out 6 zerglings, and will not stand a chance against a single photon cannon. A single Warhammer Space Marine commander easily takes on dozens of orcs, Eldar, Tyranids - and you get him for free at the beginning of every round.

Being the big StarCraft fanboy that I am though, I can't let my boys lose in a total wipeout. So I offer this final competition category:

Field Medics:

The Warhammer Space Marine Apothecary can not only heal entire squads of Space Marines with a click of a button, but he can also make himself somewhat useful on the battlefield by actually carrying a gun. He's a robot, and as such has an entire library of medical knowledge stored in his brain. Pretty cool.

StarCraft medics however, are hot chicks dressed in the space marine suit equivalent of nurse's outfits and who playfully say things like "where does it hurt?" If that weren't enough, they can not only heal any of your units, but also any of your ally's units, meaning they have expertise not only in Terran medicine, but in Protoss and Zerg medicine as well! And if that weren't enough, they are all Trekkies at heart, because click on one enough times and they will say "He's dead, Jim." I'll take a hot nerdy nurse over a robot anyday.

Warhammer Marines 3, StarCraft marines 1... and it's a good thing I end there because the next category would have been:

Susceptibility to Zergling Rushes:

 ...Mo out

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