Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Star Wars under fire!

Watching lots and lots of Star Wars makes you think about the world that Georce Lucas created in ways that he never intended you to. You start to question some of the truths that Lucas has "established" over the years, and come up with questions - to which there are no answers. Well, having watched more than my fair share of Star Wars, I've decided to post up these questions and see if anyone has a reasonable answer to them. Here we go:

1) Where did Stormtroopers earn their reputation as excellent marksmen?

Early in Episode IV, upon discovering the blast marks on what I'm going to call the big brown boat-looking-thing in the desert (I'm not that nerdy) Obi-Wan Kenobi deducts that they were caused by Stormtrooper fire because "only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise." I'm going to go ahead and say that coming from Obi-Wan, that sets a pretty high bar for marksmanship. However, what evidence is there in any part of the Star Wars saga that Stormtroopers are good marksmen? Judging by Episodes IV, V, and VI (that's 3 entire movies), I would say they're pretty lousy shots. In fact the only thing that they manage to shoot is... that brown thing!. During 3 entire movies, the benchmark marksmen of the galactic empire are seen hitting absolutely nothing. Hell 12 of them couldn't even hit Han Solo as he was running away down a narrow corridor with his back to them. I know that Hollywood likes to exaggerate when it comes to the hero but come on... I've seen main characters take a bullet before - their shots don't even come close.

EDIT - okay I was just informed that they do in fact manage to shoot Leia in the arm. I am embarassed to have forgotten about that. However I have to say after all the shooting in THREE movies they were bound to hit something right?

This begs the question - how does an Empire with such lousy marksmen take over the galaxy so easily?

2) Why do Stormtroopers wear armor?

This is one that I've debated before with a few friends and I believe the conclusion was that there was no conclusion. Let's see... pros of wearing the armor:
-Protects doesn't protect from lasers
-You only have to hire a few actors and re-use them
That's pretty much it. Now for the cons:
-Allows your enemies to disguise themselves as Stormtroopers and fool you
-Restricts movement
-Can't celebrate a victory with a permanent frown on your face
Stormtrooper armor is like the crappiest armor in any universe ever. Heck, it's not even resistant to rocks thrown by little bear midgets.

3) How does Anakin maintain C3P0's coat of bling?

That's a good question. After being dragged all over the galaxy through desert planets, volcano planets, and plenty of battles, 3P0 is still blingin' enough to make 50 Cent cry. There's gotta be some magic stuff out there Anakin applies to keep the gold coat so bright. Episode IV is evidence that Princess Leia's Royal Droid Cleaning Services are clearly unable to maintain the shine.... so what product does Anakin use?

4) I was under the impression that Darth Maul was pretty badass.. did he not learn the same elementary Jedi stuff that Obi-Wan did?

In Episode III when Anakin is standing on the little platform in the lava and Obi-Wan has the higher ground, he confidently says "It's over Anakin, I have the high ground" (or something like that, don't feel like looking it up). When Anakin tries to pull some noob shit by spin jumping over him, Obi-Wan cuts off both his legs and one of his arms with one swift strike. I thought it was pretty elementary - the high ground is an advantage, so never try to pull shit when your opponent has the high ground. Not exactly rocket science.
Now REWIND to Episode I.
Obi-Wan is hanging from the edge of the pit with Darth Maul standing right above him on the higher ground. Rather than force jump to the other side of the pit or attempt to sneakily climb up, what does Obi-Wan do? He jumps into the air, force pulls his lightsaber while spinning over Darth Maul, the slices him in half. Hold on now... I was under the impression that Darth Maul was pretty badass (he disposed of Qui-Gon Jinn pretty quickly - that double lightsaber shit he did was pretty ridic). Did he go to a different boot camp than the rest of the Jedi? And if so was it the same one where they teach Stormtrooper marksmanship? Epic fail.

5) Wait a minute... did Darth Vader get shorter? 

Unless his cyborg legs continued to grow over time, there's a little bit of a height difference between Episode III Vader and Episode IV Vader. While David Prowse stood at an imposing 6' 7", Hayden Christensen is 6' 0"... which gives us 7 more reasons why he shouldn't have been cast for that role.

Let me know if you have answers!

Mo out.

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